Has it been 9 months?

Since I last posted? I've been in a haze of work, and parenting, and other work, and constant unwavering self doubt. Oh yeah, there's also been medical issues and injury and lots of behavioral challenges. There's been depression and resignation. And occasionally there have been snippets of something that sort of resembles joy.  Sort of.

It's been a very challenging 9 months. After ignoring people reaching out to me because I was scoring as depressed on the Edinburgh scale I finally acknowledged that I was struggling when I realized that literally nothing made me happy. Or rather, when I spent the evening crying irrationally in my closet. Then I broke my back while doing yoga (you know, that thing that was supposed to make me stronger in body and mind) and fell into a total state of depression.

All the while my older son has been desperate for our attention and gets nothing but negative attention. He has this ridiculous angry, depressed mom who has a short fuse and is teaching him the only way to cope with your problems is to yell and swear, and a frustrated dad who tries to stay calm but can't always when his wife is a lunatic. The baby is deaf in one ear which we learned through lots of tests that are only in very small amounts covered by health insurance. He's become mobile and loves toys, especially his brother's toys. Which means the fighting has begun.

I've been working my full time busy job in addition to leading my state's professional organization. I feel pulled in many directions and most of the time finding myself giving more time and energy to the work stuff because I at least feel like I'm good at work.

We've been an unhappy family and all I can think is that we have no right to be unhappy given all that we have to be grateful for. Which then makes me feel like a spoiled kid whining about not having everything I want.

When I have it in me to upload photos, I will. The boys are at least cute.


Popular Posts