What kind of mother will I be?
I know it's totally normal to question your ability to be a good mother, so I'm not panicked. But I'm a little worried. You know, the last year and a half (and frankly, from the time I got married), I've been extremely grateful that people haven't been constantly questioning us about having kids. I have friends who are routinely harrassed by family, friends, coworkers about when they were going to have kids. Ugh - that would be so awful. When we started trying to conceive, I was eternally grateful that I didn't have to face all those questions because it would make me sad. But a couple months ago (I think it was right before I got pregnant), I was at yoga and one of my classmates just became a grandmother. So all the mothers and grandmothers in the class (it's a small class, but they're all women) were talking babies. The older women were asking my friend when she was going to have another baby; I was totally removed from the conversation. I couldn't contribute anything. Nor did they ask me when I was planning to have one baby. And for the first time I felt sad that no one ever asks me when it will be my turn and it made me wonder if people just don't see me as the maternal type. Sometimes I think its because people think I'm younger than I am. But mostly, I just wonder if I'm not seen as mother material. I know it's such a ridiculous thought, but still. Around that same time, someone who knows we're trying told me I'd be a good mom because I'm orderly. I know he meant it as a compliment, but seriously? Because I'm orderly? That won't make me a good mom! It will make me an organized mom, but a good one? No - I think that's just the reason people don't see me as a mom. I'm so concerned about order, and time tables, and efficiency. Who the hell thinks those are good qualities in a mother? My children will hate me if I don't learn some patience and flexibility! I'd like to think that I'm a caring person and that I have a lot of love to give and that's why I'll be a good mother, but I guess that's just not how it comes across to the rest of the world. Maybe that's only how I'd like to think of myself but maybe I'm not really that way. In which case, what kind of mother will I be?