And then there were 4

Full disclosure - I wrote this in a very emotional state.  But since that's never stopped me from posting before, I'm posting this, in it's original form.

As those of you who have been reading this blog over the years have known, I've had my ups and downs with motherhood.  I so desperately wanted to have a baby and after 20 months of trying to conceive (which included several months of Clomid, an unsuccessful IUI, numerous not covered by insurance acupuncture treatments, and a very expensive flushing of my fallopian tubes, whose technical term is currently eluding me), I FINALLY got pregnant.  I loved being pregnant.  I had only a few weeks of nausea and was quite tired through all of my first and part of my second trimester, but it was really awesome.  And then Graham was born.  And he was so beautiful.  Seriously, he was like the CUTEST chunkiest little dude in all the world.  (Oh, and he still is).  But boy did he have some strong opinions (oh, and he still does).  He's one smart cookie.  He's determined and clever and knows how to push all my buttons.  Now that he's almost 3 he is quite the little jokester, too.  He loves to hug.  He also loves to pinch (which has taken the place of loving to bite).  Well, he loves to pinch and bite me.  He's mama and daddy's little neat freak and he is quite driven by a routine (sound like someone else we know - guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree).

So all things considered, the decision about whether or not to have another one of these adorable, demanding little creatures was one that did not come easily.  After months and months of should we or shouldn't we, we decided to "not prevent" any future pregnancies.  Our rationale is that Graham needs a sibling.  He loves the babies at school.  And the likelihood is that he will never have any cousins.  There are things about him that are getting easier and he's becoming a little more self proficient (however, potty training is still wishful thinking).  I still have days where I'm mad at him and I hate myself, but those are fewer and fewer.  So on our trip to Toronto this fall, we thought, what the hell?  Why not?  Let's have another baby!

A big part of me figured it would take well over a year to conceive and at that point we'd decide to no longer try because the age difference between the 2 kids would be pretty big and I'd be over 35 (so, you know, elderly by childbearing medical standards).  And then it was the morning February 21 and I had been feeling woozy for 2 days and very emotional and the boys and I had a huge crying yelling fight before work and I realized it had been 5 weeks since my last period (which is not unusual for me) and this little voice inside of my head said, "Take a pregnancy test."  There in my bathroom drawer was an old test, which immediately registered as Pregnant.  I'm not going to lie, blogosphere, I swore out loud and then got in the shower and cried.  I then drove to a board meeting in Lansing (the board where I'm going to be elected President, the three-year term to start in May) in a state of mild shock.  I called my OB on the way and spoke with the nurse, whose warm and congratulatory voice made me feel better.  After my meeting, I bought another pregnancy test, took it at home, and of course, got that tell tale blue plus sign.  And once again I panicked at the thought of the commitments I've made for the coming year(s) and at the thought of telling Jeff, with whom I'd had a huge fight over how strict of a parent I am that very morning.

When Jeff got home, we said our apologies from the morning, had our hugs, and I told him to blame my crazy on the hormones because I was pregnant.  His response was one of surprise, but was very positive.  I was immediately relieved.  That evening as we sat on the couch, him drinking the beer I bought him to soften the blow and me eating an entire pint of Haagen Daz chocolate chocolate chip, he told me he felt really excited, unlike the first pregnancy, when he just felt nervous.  I, however, feel the opposite way (which, as Jeff pointed out, is why we make a good team - we're often able to balance each other out). 

It's been a week since we found out.  I've only told one other person (Jess - who knows a thing or two about a surprise pregnancy) and I'm starting to feel excited.  Excited and nauseous.  I'm feeling like I'm ready to share the news with our family.  I'll be through the first trimester on Graham's 3rd birthday and I'm due October 21 (which will make my boss shit a brick because I'll be missing two major activities at work - travel season and EA app review).  But we've been through maternity leaves before and everyone has survived. When the thought of losing this pregnancy crossed my mind, I got a little sad, which makes me think it will all be fine.

In spite of my challenges with motherhood, I love Graham so much it's not even funny.  I know I will love this new one just as much.


Popular Posts